100 Days of Magnitude...

For those of you who don't receive my newsletter, I thought I'd updated you with my latest venture... and adventure....

As a coach, I understand that warm fuzzy feeling which comes from being able to wave goodbye to procrastination and begin to turn positive intentions into happenings. I work with a coach myself and have decided to share with you the results of this experience for me. For this new chapter in my life, I’m setting myself a 100-day challenge to expand my world... There's always room for growth



Drifting aimlessly can be a good thing... particularly if you’ve never tried it. A chance to reflect on one’s life and its meaning can offer a new way of being in the world. But what if, instead, you’re just going through the motions and have lost sight of your own aspirations? Your days can become littered with broken promises... to yourself. Although I’ve spent many years working on self-improvement in one form or another, I still have a way to go... Recovery work never stops. I haven’t touched alcohol or drugs for years now but I’m still conscious of a switch inside my head labelled “self-destruct”. It’s rather dusty now... but occasionally it reminds me that it’s still there... and that’s when I need to do some more rewiring!


I’m getting ready for a house move soon, after two “almost” house moves in the past year. This time it’s a long-term home, which is very different for me. It’s bringing up feelings of excitement and anxiety... not so much at the move (I’d like to think I had some expertise in that area now!!) but more about the signifcance of the move. This will be a long-term resting place for me – I’m making a commitment to myself to put down some roots. I’ve also recently become the guardian of a Border Collie pup, whose name is Cosy – because that’s how she looks and feels! Cosy is a big responsibility and so I’m also making a commitment to her - to offer her the best life I can.


This week, I’m clearing the way – literally! I’ve decided to give away some furniture which won’t be of use in my new home. I’ve also cleared out more clothes and bedding. I’m taking a long hard look at the unnecessary items in my current home and getting rid of junk. Of course, this is relative. My ‘don’t-needs’ are someone else’s ‘must-haves’, I’m sure. But I recognise something about myself – my instinct to hoard... clinging on to remnants of the past, half-forgotten memories attached to trinkets. Saying goodbye is pretty tough for recovering co-dependents... even to inanimate objects!


So.. what’s the learning? A reminder that making a commitment to myself is equally - if not more - important to making a commitment to others. That I’ve always been a Maximalist – holding on to a scattered past - and I’d like to change that about myself. It’s time to let go.... and move on!

If you'd like to begin your own 100 Days of Magnitude, please visit my website for details...

Vanitas Vanitatum... Oh Vanity of Vanities...

I don't quite recall the context I first heard this phrase... I'm pretty sure it wasn't referring to the context it conjures up for me but I did manage to obliterate quite a few good brain cells whilst misusing myself, so can't quite recall. I do firmly believe that addiction is a misuse of self (we often describe it as a misuse of a substance/thing but surely our authentic selves weren't meant to be so badly treated?). My own precious cargo - my self - was mishandled. When they broke the proverbial mold, I reckon someone forgot to add the sticker... "Fragile... This Way Up... Handle With Care".. Certainly, I didn't realise it was there. Instead, I got a bit broken in places and arrived downside-up, I guess.... It's taken me years to try to 'right' myself (after capsize) to upside-down, my natural and authentic state of being.

And so to...Vanity is a rather strange thing which occurs in recovery. I'm using this word not in the sense of 'excessive pride in one's appearance' but merely as pride in one's appearance... and I'm using appearance to include external behaviours exhibited to others. I sometimes have a wry smile to myself when I revisit those paranoid thoughts about my hair not looking good, carrying too much weight, my clothes not being right... the 'What will they think of me?' thoughts... and then I remember... those less than halcien days (and nights) where staggering, unruly behaviour, and a general dishevellment prevailed... a distinct lack of pride in one's own appearance... a distinct lack of care... anger at the world... In fact, more a 'Who cares...!!' (how I look/what they think etc etc) with an appropriate gesture to match, no doubt. But.. what happened? Something switched in my head. Of course, this 'Who cares!' attitude revisits from time-to-time, even in sobriety, and some might argue it's healthy... but I know it's defensive. And when I'm defensive and judging others, I'm scared... simple as that...and I need to do some work. The answer eventually comes... 'I care!'

So... what price vanity? The feminist in me argues that I'm buying into the beauty propaganda (the Beauty Myth, as Naomi Wolf describes it). But the other part of me chooses to live in this society and adhere to some of its cultural norms and I buy into vanity. They reach a compromise - eyebrows plucked, hair dyed and, as I once inadvertently told a pathologist... "I'll be dyeing until I'm dead!" - and body modification is a work in progress, getting tangled up (as I frequently do) on the need to 'lose weight and shape up' treadmill... I tango on. But no FM shoes here, thanks.

Vanity... it damns me if I do... it damns me if I don't. I prefer to regard it as a benchmark... a sliding scale towards that downside-up way of being... If I don't tend to the basics of self-care... bathing, teeth, eyebrows, hair and checking-in with my mood, affirmations, gratitude etc... I know that I could so easily be transported forward to a time when it wouldn't matter to me how I looked on the outside, as private becomes public and the consequences of those crazy thoughts are on full view to all who care to glance pitifully or disdainfully in my general direction. And so, for me, vanity takes on a new meaning in recovery - but when it becomes obsessive, we're moving into narcissistic territory. I've never been 'in love' with my reflection, although it has become a rather good friend... at last.

A wry smile appears again with the self-knowledge that my version of vanity is based on 'as good as it gets'. I recall a hairdresser once taking pity on me when I told him I was inept at using hair technology... I received a phone call some time after the appointment, inviting me to a training session on 'straiteners for beginners'. It's a shame I was unable to attend. My life could have turned out so differently... but I seem to recall I was pretty busy that day... washing my hair. Ho-hum.

Moving away from me....

As I prepare myself for what is likely to be my final house move for a good number of years, I reflect on those that have gone before.... I can look back at the crazy years of addiction, chaos, bad-choice (read 'codependent') relationships and see how clearly that's linked with my 'doing the geographicals'. Anyone who's familiar with AA will know what I'm referring to. If not, let me elucidate further :) This is a state of mind wherein the addict believes that making a 'geographical' change will move her away from her addictive behaviour - ie she can leave it all behind in the area - or even property - she was vacating. Crazy as that sounds, that's what I've unconsciously done for most - if not all - of my adult life and have moved around so many times, I've lost count. Not only is it financially and physically expensive, it's spiritually expensive.

Running away from oneself - one's demons - just doesn't work. I took me with me... and there's no escaping that. So the only way to get over this pain (this fear) - this spiritual expense - was through it... Instead of looking away, I decided I wouldn't blink this time and I stared it out... a step at a time. By quitting alcohol and addictive relationships, clarity emerged... From clarity came focus... From focus came strength and courage.

This commitment to a property is symbolic...I now feel ready to make a major commitment to myself.. and, this time, I'm more than happy to take me with me :)

Mary Poppins has a lot to answer for....!

I have a list of things to write about.. stories to tell...tips to offer... Yet I've found myself shrouded in foggy thinking and have been trying to figure out the cause. Fortunately, deep-sea diving into those mirky waters within has offered me yet another solution to reconfigure my internal jigsaw.

I have this theory that my mind is a jigsaw... It started life as 4 basic pieces (like the first jigsaw a child might play with) and, as life grew more complex, each piece divided into smaller and smaller pieces to reflect life experience, beliefs arising from this, expectations from family/wider society and, of course, self.

Somewhere along the way, the odd piece didn't fit right with the whole picture - it was out of place and, no matter how and where my mind tried to place it, it still didn't fit. Each of these 'odd' pieces, I believe, are the bits which are not part of my authentic self. My authentic self is whole, healthy and is a comfortable fit, as it's aligned with my values. Whenever foggy thinking occurs, I believe it's time for another piece to be revealed.

And so... another dark piece has been uncovered. Thankfully, I was ready to look at it. My dependency - yes, it's a strong word - on sweet food. As a child, my mother's delicious home-baking helped remove the bitter taste of difficult emotions and, as someone who's had to learn how to mature emotionally in sobriety, it occurs to me that I've been continuing to use sugar to dumb down and help me swallow some of the difficult stuff. Mary Poppins has a lot to answer for :) Actually, I must take responsibility for this. I have many techniques and tools to help me deal with the hard stuff... Yet I'd forgotten to take my own advice. Look within. Thankfully, a powerful session with my coach helped me do just that and uncover some rather strange notions attached to sugar.

If each of us has our own unique jigsaw puzzle... are there any parts of you which don't seem to fit with who you really are or who you really know you can be? What step might you take today to bring your self into balance and restore the natural, authentic jigsaw puzzle that is you...? Be gentle with yourself... compassion offers the space for health and well-being to grow exponentially. That's my message for myself today :)