Breaking the spell....

Screamin' Jay Hawkins crooned: "I put a spell on you.. because you're mine!", "I'm gonna make you love me!" sang the Temptations... These songs and others could almost be the leitmotif of the Love Addict. Unlike many other addictions, love addiction is difficult to measure. How do we know if we're addicted to love or a person and not just 'in love'? The storybooks led us to believe that there was always a 'Happy Ever After' but is that really true? How many women in Western society have been conditioned to believe that that is a possibility? I know I'm one. I've spent years trying to 'fix' my relationships, often with co-addicts which adds another dimension entirely to a partnership, in the hope of reaching that happy [and let's face it, idealised] place.

Our own needs and values are often sidelined and seen as insignificant, when compared to the object of our affections. In order to get to a healthy place, we must undertake a great deal of soul-searching, taking responsibility for one's actions - and not blaming the other person - and it takes a great deal of digging down to the roots to find and nurture that healthy place within. Layers of dis-ease with oneself, looking for external validation and putting the needs of others before oneself take its toll on the individual, and consequently any relationship. When a partner is also addicted - either to a substance, action or is a fellow codependent - the digging down takes that much longer, as another layer has been added which can [and usually does] result in stunting our own personal growth.

So... how do we move forward from love addiction? LAA/SA offer a fantastic 12-step approach with regular meetings and, if a person's unsure as to whether or not they're a love addict, they have a definition guide and is a good place to start. Therapy is also a possibility, depending upon the severity of the addiction. Working with a coach, one-to-one, on creating a healthy life and way of relating to - and for - ourselves is also another possibility. This approach has worked for me - even coaches need coaching! So... discovering a healthy way of relating has been a long and arduous task and one which requires much self-awareness and vigilance but the pay-offs are tremendous. A better quality of life, diminished fear and anxiety, increased trust and, ultimately, joy. Maybe we could take another look at love and incorporate an aspect of healthy detachment, where we recognise the gifts the other person brings to the relationship, as well as our own, and we maintain our individuality and value our own needs, even within a relationship? Being kind and having compassion for ourselves is crucial to moving forward towards a healthier way of relating. With this in mind, how might you begin to be kind to yourself today?

Woe is Me....

Have been feeling a bit unwell for a few days now and, as a consequence, pretty sorry for myself. When I heard myself complaining about petty little issues, I realised I was listening to my 'lower self' speaking... that part of ourselves which finds fault at every turn, that life isn't fair, that it 'should' be like this, that or the other way... in fact, ANY way other than it is! Exhausting, isn't it? I turned to Mr Rosenberg's wonderful book on Nonviolent [Compassionate] Communication and made a conscious decision to go back to expressing my feelings in a much healthier way. If I'm unhappy about something, I fix it. If I'm unhappy with someone's behaviour [acknowledging that I have no control over that], I express that... in a healthy, caring way. Taking responsibility for our own behaviour is key to recovery and progress in any aspect of life. When we're in physical pain, our bodies are telling us there's something wrong... When we're in emotional pain, often just listening to our tone of voice and the content matter of what we're saying or thinking can tell us something's wrong! When we're not living in our core values, something will ALWAYS be wrong. I'm aware that, whenever I feel ill, this is a time when recovery must move back into the forefront, as much 'recycling' of old rubbish is done when we're feeling sorry for ourselves... and that can be a danger time for anyone in recovery. Fortunately, I keep up my daily positive affirmations which, for me, is equivalent to stock-piling for these emotionally rainy days. I feel very fortunate that today I can see the glimmer of sunlight... and gone are the 'poor me's.... phew!

Crossover & Competing Addictions...

Well, last night I stayed up later than usual to take part in a teleclass run by Pat Barone, a leading expert in the field of weight loss. It's a rather strange phenomenon that one addiction can easily be replaced or added on to the back of another [yet another monkey to carry!].

Food has always been a great love of mine and sweet foods in particular. I guess we're all familiar with the idea of 'comfort' eating... but the teleclass last night on emotional eating has really had a profound effect on my thinking about food. I discovered that a craving for hard, crunchy foods like peanuts or crisps might signify an underlying emotion of anger, which isn't being expressed. Those who have been addicted to substances - or people! - have spent a lifetime of numbing out feelings by using their particular drug of choice - alcohol, cannabis, gambling, sex, love or food... or maybe a combination of these. Getting in touch with these feelings is painful and, where extremely traumatic events are part of the person's history, counselling or psychotherapy can often help to alleviate the pain.

I discovered many years ago that pain is only buried in a shallow grave. It doesn't take much for it to be resurrected but we smother it in our drug of choice in attempt to bury it again and keep it away from us. By allowing these feelings, inherent in pain, to come to the surface and be aired, we are allowing for the possibility of breaking free from addiction, living a life free from the fetters of pain and chaos and creating a joyful and rewarding life for ourselves.

Recovery is an ongoing process... It doesn't stop when we stop drinking or drugging, gambling or relationship-hopping... It requires work from within... taking notice of what we're feeling and whether we're dealing with that in a healthy way... taking care of ourselves both physically and spiritually. Feeding the soul, through yoga and meditation or prayer and relaxation, a belief in a Higher Power and/or Higher Self, forms the roots of recovery and from there we can grow taller, wiser and stronger... a step at a time.