Song remains the same....

Many moons ago, I used to participate in what I now fondly think of as 'rubber ball' relationships. No matter how unhealthily a partner or friend behaved, I'd go bouncing back for more of the same. There was always this pervasive idea that 'things would be different this time'. I'd try harder... if only they wouldn't do.... if only I could find that 'off' switch that would miraculously disappear these overwhelming feelings... If only I could accept loss and rejection...

But there was the small child inside of me which hadn't accepted loss or rejection as a part of life - a part which was beyond her control and which wasn't her fault. This was the part that needed to be nurtured - not by a partner or by a friend - but by me. Consequently, the girl with the rubber ball bounced backward and forward, always hoping for the fairy-tale ending I've earlier described. The thing was... I had no idea that I was the one who was in control of my feelings... that I was the one who could meet my own needs...

It was not until I visited someone [what now seems a lifetime ago] whom, I believe, was a Sage... a wise person indeed.. who allowed me to realise that my feelings had become dependent on another's happiness - or otherwise. They'd ebbed and flowed, to'd and fro'd, and seemed as if they were beyond my control. The unasked question of my then-partner could have been: "How am I going to feel today?". This reminds me of an old psychologist's joke: As one behavioural psychologist said to another... 'It was great for you... How was it for me?' and that's how life is when one hands over the reins of one's life to another person... as long as it was great for you, it should automatically be great for me. Right? Hmm...

The Sage asked if I were in the process of 'trying again' - returning to an unhealthy relationship, hoping that things would be - yes, you guessed it - different this time. Of course, I was. I was asked to consider a book I'd read with an ending I didn't like much. If I were to reread the book, no matter how hard I tried or how much I hoped for a different set of events to unfold, would the story change? Nope. And neither would the ending. Having tested this theory on more than one occasion over many years, I know this to be a truism. It took me many painful years and much soul-searching to discover this. My default setting had to be changed. My behavioural patterns had to change. Changing horses in mid-stream isn't an easy task - but I was determined to hold the reins this time and now I feel happier, emotionally healthier and more fulfilled than at any other time of my life. Taking responsibility for our own feelings and needs is pretty tough for those of us who've had confused and confusing childhoods. Growing up emotionally can start at any age and the process of recovery and adjustment takes time...

As Marshall D Rosenberg et al so eloquently sum this up: "When we blame others, we give up the power to change ourselves." And so it must follow... When we take responsibility for our own needs and actions, we tap into the power we have within to change ourselves... and our true selves begin to emerge...at last!

Breaking the spell....

Screamin' Jay Hawkins crooned: "I put a spell on you.. because you're mine!", "I'm gonna make you love me!" sang the Temptations... These songs and others could almost be the leitmotif of the Love Addict. Unlike many other addictions, love addiction is difficult to measure. How do we know if we're addicted to love or a person and not just 'in love'? The storybooks led us to believe that there was always a 'Happy Ever After' but is that really true? How many women in Western society have been conditioned to believe that that is a possibility? I know I'm one. I've spent years trying to 'fix' my relationships, often with co-addicts which adds another dimension entirely to a partnership, in the hope of reaching that happy [and let's face it, idealised] place.

Our own needs and values are often sidelined and seen as insignificant, when compared to the object of our affections. In order to get to a healthy place, we must undertake a great deal of soul-searching, taking responsibility for one's actions - and not blaming the other person - and it takes a great deal of digging down to the roots to find and nurture that healthy place within. Layers of dis-ease with oneself, looking for external validation and putting the needs of others before oneself take its toll on the individual, and consequently any relationship. When a partner is also addicted - either to a substance, action or is a fellow codependent - the digging down takes that much longer, as another layer has been added which can [and usually does] result in stunting our own personal growth.

So... how do we move forward from love addiction? LAA/SA offer a fantastic 12-step approach with regular meetings and, if a person's unsure as to whether or not they're a love addict, they have a definition guide and is a good place to start. Therapy is also a possibility, depending upon the severity of the addiction. Working with a coach, one-to-one, on creating a healthy life and way of relating to - and for - ourselves is also another possibility. This approach has worked for me - even coaches need coaching! So... discovering a healthy way of relating has been a long and arduous task and one which requires much self-awareness and vigilance but the pay-offs are tremendous. A better quality of life, diminished fear and anxiety, increased trust and, ultimately, joy. Maybe we could take another look at love and incorporate an aspect of healthy detachment, where we recognise the gifts the other person brings to the relationship, as well as our own, and we maintain our individuality and value our own needs, even within a relationship? Being kind and having compassion for ourselves is crucial to moving forward towards a healthier way of relating. With this in mind, how might you begin to be kind to yourself today?