23 June 2010

Mine's a stick of dynamite .... What's yours...?

For the most part of my everyday life, love addiction seems like a shadow from the past... something which visits me infrequently, like a rather nasty, needy Tasmanian Devil who really upsets and irritates and leaves a wake of destruction in their departure... But on calm, relaxed and carefree days I am grateful for my experience of this bizarre form of codependency. It shows me that it's only part of who I am... not all of who I am. Codependency and/or love addiction no longer define me and this tells me that I do hold the reins of my own life these days. When I'm sure to keep my eye on the ball and put into practice my learning, I'm no longer interested in handing over the reins... or, in fact, holding anyone else's :)

One thing I've found incredibly helpful is to visualise "it" - to imagine its shape, texture, size... even its temperature. I've imagined my own experience of the love addicted crazies as taking a physical form. Mine's a stick of dynamite. It appears to live in my upper abdomen and the fuse is lit when I become embroiled in a relationship with someone who's emotionally unavailable to me. It then seems to leave my body and attach itself to the "object of my desire" and I feel compelled, physically drawn to be in its presence as often as possible, despite the fact that it's unhealthy, burning me up and about to explode at any moment! You might think that this is not so dissimilar to a healthy initial attraction but it's the explosive element, the sheer terror experienced in trying to prevent the inevitable explosion that's the key difference - feeling compelled to control events - that differs from a healthy loving relationship.

When I take a closer look, I see that an odd thing has happened to this stick of dynamite. It's been decommissioned. The research and soul-searching I've undertaken and the exercises I've put into practice have all de-fused this lethal weapon. But by far and away the most effective method of helping to create inner peace and tranquility in my relationships has been receiving fantastic recovery coaching from my peers. I shall be eternally grateful. So now perhaps it's time to rethink the shape of my decomissioned love addiction... A lotus flower, perhaps? Ommmmm....

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