Looking back over the many years I've spent experiencing, as Melody Beattie so accurately describes, "the codependent crazies", I realise I've spent much of my life with a feeling of everwhelm...
Whenever I was close to someone - partner/friend/family member - I tended to be overwhelmed by my emotions - soaking up, like a sponge, perceived slights, 'atmospheres', others' disappointments with their own lives and general sadness. Although I'd always regarded myself as pretty self-aware, I couldn't see that many of these feelings weren't, in fact, my own. I was drowning in a sea of others' emotions and, when that occurred, depression and anxiety invariably followed. I had no idea how to extricate my feelings from theirs.
If I wasn't experiencing overwhelm, then the great ennui would ensue... Underwhelmed by my partner... expectations of a fabulous relationship... Why wasn't he like x? Why wouldn't he stop drinking/smoking? Why wouldn't he get a job? Anger.. frustration... discontent...sadness. I was, indeed, everwhelmed. The pendulum would swing from one to the other - from passivity to aggression - and focusing on repairing myself wasn't even a consideration then.
Fortunately, doors opened onto insight and awareness - thanks to much learning and self-development work. These days, I rarely feel overwhelmed [only hormonally!] and, now that I own my emotions and feelings and take responsibility for them, I feel more content with who I am and, after many years, feel able to form healthy relationships with others. Healing hidden wounds can be a slow and rather painful process but the destination is certainly worth the arduous journey. I'm glad to be free of the pendulum and prefer to hang out in balance these days...
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