Another nest...

Over the years, I've come to realise that there may be advantages to revisiting old methods, giving them the once-over and opting to try something new. It's often difficult to leave one's comfy little nest - in this case my Blogger blog - after all, I'm warm and happy here but I'm still a little hesitant in recreating yet another nest. After all, it ain't broke, so why am I fixin' it....?

Well, for one, it keeps me on my toes - I have a leaning towards "mañana, baby..." at times - probably a throwback to my "marijuana, baby..." days and the soft option - to stay put and do nothing - often arrests my blogging development. And so... a shrug and a sigh and a flutter of the wings and I realise they weren't clipped at all. They were just relaxed...but poised. Much as I am myself these days.

And so... I'd like to welcome you into my new nest. It's a little rough around the edges and it's full of all the twigs and feathers from this one - I mean, I've just moved in and am still finding my way around - but I know I'll have it cosy in no time... but with much more room to expand and entertain my guests... with virtual cups of tea and dialogue - singing alone in my nest is fine and dandy but when I hear someone else's song, in response to my own, then it makes me want to sing all the more.... So... sing it loud, sing it clear and invite your friends along for a visit to my new Wordpress (eventually all-singin'-all-dancin') blog - and maybe even my website... and who knows... mañana might become a thing of the past.... Anything's possible!


http://positivefootsteps.wordpress.com/

Vanitas Vanitatum... Oh Vanity of Vanities...

I don't quite recall the context I first heard this phrase... I'm pretty sure it wasn't referring to the context it conjures up for me but I did manage to obliterate quite a few good brain cells whilst misusing myself, so can't quite recall. I do firmly believe that addiction is a misuse of self (we often describe it as a misuse of a substance/thing but surely our authentic selves weren't meant to be so badly treated?). My own precious cargo - my self - was mishandled. When they broke the proverbial mold, I reckon someone forgot to add the sticker... "Fragile... This Way Up... Handle With Care".. Certainly, I didn't realise it was there. Instead, I got a bit broken in places and arrived downside-up, I guess.... It's taken me years to try to 'right' myself (after capsize) to upside-down, my natural and authentic state of being.

And so to...Vanity is a rather strange thing which occurs in recovery. I'm using this word not in the sense of 'excessive pride in one's appearance' but merely as pride in one's appearance... and I'm using appearance to include external behaviours exhibited to others. I sometimes have a wry smile to myself when I revisit those paranoid thoughts about my hair not looking good, carrying too much weight, my clothes not being right... the 'What will they think of me?' thoughts... and then I remember... those less than halcien days (and nights) where staggering, unruly behaviour, and a general dishevellment prevailed... a distinct lack of pride in one's own appearance... a distinct lack of care... anger at the world... In fact, more a 'Who cares...!!' (how I look/what they think etc etc) with an appropriate gesture to match, no doubt. But.. what happened? Something switched in my head. Of course, this 'Who cares!' attitude revisits from time-to-time, even in sobriety, and some might argue it's healthy... but I know it's defensive. And when I'm defensive and judging others, I'm scared... simple as that...and I need to do some work. The answer eventually comes... 'I care!'

So... what price vanity? The feminist in me argues that I'm buying into the beauty propaganda (the Beauty Myth, as Naomi Wolf describes it). But the other part of me chooses to live in this society and adhere to some of its cultural norms and I buy into vanity. They reach a compromise - eyebrows plucked, hair dyed and, as I once inadvertently told a pathologist... "I'll be dyeing until I'm dead!" - and body modification is a work in progress, getting tangled up (as I frequently do) on the need to 'lose weight and shape up' treadmill... I tango on. But no FM shoes here, thanks.

Vanity... it damns me if I do... it damns me if I don't. I prefer to regard it as a benchmark... a sliding scale towards that downside-up way of being... If I don't tend to the basics of self-care... bathing, teeth, eyebrows, hair and checking-in with my mood, affirmations, gratitude etc... I know that I could so easily be transported forward to a time when it wouldn't matter to me how I looked on the outside, as private becomes public and the consequences of those crazy thoughts are on full view to all who care to glance pitifully or disdainfully in my general direction. And so, for me, vanity takes on a new meaning in recovery - but when it becomes obsessive, we're moving into narcissistic territory. I've never been 'in love' with my reflection, although it has become a rather good friend... at last.

A wry smile appears again with the self-knowledge that my version of vanity is based on 'as good as it gets'. I recall a hairdresser once taking pity on me when I told him I was inept at using hair technology... I received a phone call some time after the appointment, inviting me to a training session on 'straiteners for beginners'. It's a shame I was unable to attend. My life could have turned out so differently... but I seem to recall I was pretty busy that day... washing my hair. Ho-hum.

Moving away from me....

As I prepare myself for what is likely to be my final house move for a good number of years, I reflect on those that have gone before.... I can look back at the crazy years of addiction, chaos, bad-choice (read 'codependent') relationships and see how clearly that's linked with my 'doing the geographicals'. Anyone who's familiar with AA will know what I'm referring to. If not, let me elucidate further :) This is a state of mind wherein the addict believes that making a 'geographical' change will move her away from her addictive behaviour - ie she can leave it all behind in the area - or even property - she was vacating. Crazy as that sounds, that's what I've unconsciously done for most - if not all - of my adult life and have moved around so many times, I've lost count. Not only is it financially and physically expensive, it's spiritually expensive.

Running away from oneself - one's demons - just doesn't work. I took me with me... and there's no escaping that. So the only way to get over this pain (this fear) - this spiritual expense - was through it... Instead of looking away, I decided I wouldn't blink this time and I stared it out... a step at a time. By quitting alcohol and addictive relationships, clarity emerged... From clarity came focus... From focus came strength and courage.

This commitment to a property is symbolic...I now feel ready to make a major commitment to myself.. and, this time, I'm more than happy to take me with me :)

Mary Poppins has a lot to answer for....!

I have a list of things to write about.. stories to tell...tips to offer... Yet I've found myself shrouded in foggy thinking and have been trying to figure out the cause. Fortunately, deep-sea diving into those mirky waters within has offered me yet another solution to reconfigure my internal jigsaw.

I have this theory that my mind is a jigsaw... It started life as 4 basic pieces (like the first jigsaw a child might play with) and, as life grew more complex, each piece divided into smaller and smaller pieces to reflect life experience, beliefs arising from this, expectations from family/wider society and, of course, self.

Somewhere along the way, the odd piece didn't fit right with the whole picture - it was out of place and, no matter how and where my mind tried to place it, it still didn't fit. Each of these 'odd' pieces, I believe, are the bits which are not part of my authentic self. My authentic self is whole, healthy and is a comfortable fit, as it's aligned with my values. Whenever foggy thinking occurs, I believe it's time for another piece to be revealed.

And so... another dark piece has been uncovered. Thankfully, I was ready to look at it. My dependency - yes, it's a strong word - on sweet food. As a child, my mother's delicious home-baking helped remove the bitter taste of difficult emotions and, as someone who's had to learn how to mature emotionally in sobriety, it occurs to me that I've been continuing to use sugar to dumb down and help me swallow some of the difficult stuff. Mary Poppins has a lot to answer for :) Actually, I must take responsibility for this. I have many techniques and tools to help me deal with the hard stuff... Yet I'd forgotten to take my own advice. Look within. Thankfully, a powerful session with my coach helped me do just that and uncover some rather strange notions attached to sugar.

If each of us has our own unique jigsaw puzzle... are there any parts of you which don't seem to fit with who you really are or who you really know you can be? What step might you take today to bring your self into balance and restore the natural, authentic jigsaw puzzle that is you...? Be gentle with yourself... compassion offers the space for health and well-being to grow exponentially. That's my message for myself today :)

When recycling really isn't environmentally-friendly...

I found myself in a rather full-on codependent crazy mode for a few days, a couple of weeks ago, which rather took me by surprise. After many years in recovery from addiction and self-development work, I still find that being around certain individuals can bring out the codependent beast in me and I begin to recycle the rubbish of years gone by, wallowing in past miseries, holding on to resentments long overdue for return to my sacred space of health and wellbeing...and, consequently, feeling rather down on myself.

Last week, thankfully, I checked in to my sacred space and, much to my amazement, I had to acknowledge a few other nasties which had been lurking (unseen) in the Swampland part of my mind.

Swampland is my term of endearment for that dark place where garbage festers... where self-worth and self-esteem float about in stagnant water with negative self-talk, guilt and angst... seemingly unable to swim into fresh, clear and free-flowing thinking, as they remain locked in the past. Anger, resentment, self-pity and fear creep around in the swamp, only able to survive because I permit them to do so. Groundhog Day, indeed.

So how did my thinking move from muddy to clear...? How did I manage to break free from the shackles of codependency revisited? I consulted Melody Beattie's work, I kick-started my self-care rituals, I used affirmations... and I kept good company!

Tending to our own psychological environment is every bit as important as looking after the natural world. When you're throwing out the garbage at home, perhaps consider if there's anything festering in your own Swampland that you might be able to dispose of in your sacred space of health and well-being... These reminders are never useless... this kind of learning makes great compost!

Invest and Digest....

I was thinking back to days of yore when the idea of investing seemed crazy to me. I'm not referring to buying stocks and shares but instead, investing in myself - my own personal development, self-care, self-esteem and self-belief. When we believe we're not worthy of such an investment, that others are more important and that our role on this earth is to make others happy, that's when we enter into the danger zone... The only person who has the power to make me happy is... me! Of course I can be happy in another's company, be happy with my job, family, life etc but ultimately it's my reaction to what's around me that determines my capacity for happiness. If we're not happy, that's when the mind is signalling, just as the body does with physical pain, that there's something we need to take a look at... a need or value of ours that isn't being met.

For me, investing in my own personal development - trying out different courses, attending workshops, having coaching sessions - is what has advanced my emotional progress. My emotionally arrested development began to move forward each time I took a step in the direction of overcoming fear and challenging long-held beliefs.

Receiving recovery coaching has been as rewarding for me as therapy was some years ago but in a different way... It has allowed me to shine a light on dark and dank places, giving me time to begin to understand where old behaviours might have been obscuring my vision of the present. The focus on the 'here and now', with an understanding of the 'then and there', enables us to glance at the past through a different lens, knowing that our focus has changed to 'living today' and not yesterday. As we make the decision to invest in ourselves, we begin a new journey to a brighter, more uplifting future.

Initially, we might find ourselves looking back with anger, regret or frustration at who we were yesterday but, as we learn compassion for ourselves, these negative emotions and feelings make room for calm, serenity and, very often, sheer joy.

Time to digest is crucial and, although sessions are usually undertaken weekly, it can be a few weeks or even months before we are ready to move into action, as we need to fully process what we uncover about ourselves. But that's ok... as long as we remember to be kind to ourselves during the process.

Investing in ourselves could include time for self, spending money on personal development, self-nurturing.. but crucially it involves a willingness for something better for ourselves... a willingness to invest and commit time, effort and money, as we have so easily for others in the past... Are you ready to begin this journey... to invest and digest?

Moving away from "Everwhelm"....

Looking back over the many years I've spent experiencing, as Melody Beattie so accurately describes, "the codependent crazies", I realise I've spent much of my life with a feeling of everwhelm...

Whenever I was close to someone - partner/friend/family member - I tended to be overwhelmed by my emotions - soaking up, like a sponge, perceived slights, 'atmospheres', others' disappointments with their own lives and general sadness. Although I'd always regarded myself as pretty self-aware, I couldn't see that many of these feelings weren't, in fact, my own. I was drowning in a sea of others' emotions and, when that occurred, depression and anxiety invariably followed. I had no idea how to extricate my feelings from theirs.

If I wasn't experiencing overwhelm, then the great ennui would ensue... Underwhelmed by my partner... expectations of a fabulous relationship... Why wasn't he like x? Why wouldn't he stop drinking/smoking? Why wouldn't he get a job? Anger.. frustration... discontent...sadness. I was, indeed, everwhelmed. The pendulum would swing from one to the other - from passivity to aggression - and focusing on repairing myself wasn't even a consideration then.

Fortunately, doors opened onto insight and awareness - thanks to much learning and self-development work. These days, I rarely feel overwhelmed [only hormonally!] and, now that I own my emotions and feelings and take responsibility for them, I feel more content with who I am and, after many years, feel able to form healthy relationships with others. Healing hidden wounds can be a slow and rather painful process but the destination is certainly worth the arduous journey. I'm glad to be free of the pendulum and prefer to hang out in balance these days...

Treading Water...

I'm experiencing one of those frustrating times when one just has to wait.... and wait... and wait... The information I'm waiting for is beyond my grasp and will determine the rest of the year for me... but I must wait a while longer. To date, I've waited 6 months for this information and each day becomes longer as the wait continues....

This put me in mind of a lecture I attended a couple of years ago at Samye Ling Tibetan Buddhist Centre. Rob Nairn, a wonderful teacher, was talking of restlessness - the kind which comes upon us when we no longer feel in control.... the kind which leads to road rage when we're stuck in traffic. Thankfully, I've not experienced road rage. Perhaps I remember his words.... When we're stuck in a situation like this and it's beyond our control, we can choose to accept it or resist... and, in this case, resistance really is futile. When we move into acceptance... a sigh, a shrug, a physical shaking-off tension... and give ourselves permission to relax... to watch the 'What if...' disaster movie playing over in our mind's eye dispassionately and just to let it go... 'What if I don't make it to the airport?' "Ok... so I can spend the next 30 minutes becoming more agitated or I can just resign myself to taking another flight... If I make it, great! If I don't, I'm now focusing my energy on creating Plan B!".

Allowing my intution to guide me through this waiting room, with shells of 'What ifs?' exploding around me when impatience shows up, allows me to shine awareness on the facts and to cut the fictional disaster movie. I continue to wait, with patience mostly, knowing in my heart that the time will be right when the Universe decides... and not when I do!

Song remains the same....

Many moons ago, I used to participate in what I now fondly think of as 'rubber ball' relationships. No matter how unhealthily a partner or friend behaved, I'd go bouncing back for more of the same. There was always this pervasive idea that 'things would be different this time'. I'd try harder... if only they wouldn't do.... if only I could find that 'off' switch that would miraculously disappear these overwhelming feelings... If only I could accept loss and rejection...

But there was the small child inside of me which hadn't accepted loss or rejection as a part of life - a part which was beyond her control and which wasn't her fault. This was the part that needed to be nurtured - not by a partner or by a friend - but by me. Consequently, the girl with the rubber ball bounced backward and forward, always hoping for the fairy-tale ending I've earlier described. The thing was... I had no idea that I was the one who was in control of my feelings... that I was the one who could meet my own needs...

It was not until I visited someone [what now seems a lifetime ago] whom, I believe, was a Sage... a wise person indeed.. who allowed me to realise that my feelings had become dependent on another's happiness - or otherwise. They'd ebbed and flowed, to'd and fro'd, and seemed as if they were beyond my control. The unasked question of my then-partner could have been: "How am I going to feel today?". This reminds me of an old psychologist's joke: As one behavioural psychologist said to another... 'It was great for you... How was it for me?' and that's how life is when one hands over the reins of one's life to another person... as long as it was great for you, it should automatically be great for me. Right? Hmm...

The Sage asked if I were in the process of 'trying again' - returning to an unhealthy relationship, hoping that things would be - yes, you guessed it - different this time. Of course, I was. I was asked to consider a book I'd read with an ending I didn't like much. If I were to reread the book, no matter how hard I tried or how much I hoped for a different set of events to unfold, would the story change? Nope. And neither would the ending. Having tested this theory on more than one occasion over many years, I know this to be a truism. It took me many painful years and much soul-searching to discover this. My default setting had to be changed. My behavioural patterns had to change. Changing horses in mid-stream isn't an easy task - but I was determined to hold the reins this time and now I feel happier, emotionally healthier and more fulfilled than at any other time of my life. Taking responsibility for our own feelings and needs is pretty tough for those of us who've had confused and confusing childhoods. Growing up emotionally can start at any age and the process of recovery and adjustment takes time...

As Marshall D Rosenberg et al so eloquently sum this up: "When we blame others, we give up the power to change ourselves." And so it must follow... When we take responsibility for our own needs and actions, we tap into the power we have within to change ourselves... and our true selves begin to emerge...at last!

Tuning in, turning on but not dropping out...

I'm referring here to my intuition... my gut instinct... something which seemed to slip through my fingers, couldn't quite catch what it was saying, disappeared in a cloud of ether... All of those things at different times in my life when I really needed it to be 'turned on' but I just wasn't tuned in.

The white noise created by addiction made it impossible to make out any clear signals coming from my sixth sense - or Higher Self, as Assagioli and others have referred to it. My experience is that there is a certain pervasive fog which descends into the brain when a person becomes dependent upon a substance - or, indeed, a person - as a means of dealing with or escaping their everyday reality. Mind fog is not conducive to good decision-making. However, I've subsequently learned that it's arguable whether any decision can be deemed 'good' or otherwise. Perhaps a more constructive label might be healthy? This is purely subjective. When we start to explore the idea of no-lose decision-making... and let go of the outcome of a particular decision.. it can be liberating. It certainly was for me. When I am true to myself, I agree with Edith Piaf's sentiments... 'Non, je ne regrette rien'. It is only when I experience sudden flashbacks to a past - a country I no longer choose to frequent - that I experience occasional whispers of white noise, dulling my intuitive responses to particular events or situations.

So.. how does one tune in? Being mindful is key to staying connected to one's intuition, it seems. Awareness in a mindful way differs from the acute anxiety-ridden awareness which ensues from the kind of paranoia which appears with sensory overload. Charles Bukowski once famously said: 'A paranoid.. is a man with all the facts.' and Woody Allen agreed with him, it seems. But I'd argue that the 'facts' will invariably be distorted when senses are dulled and deprived of sleep. So... meditation or mindfulness training can significantly reduce white noise and, it seems, tune it out... with much practice, I understand.

Of course, being actively addicted to anything - be it to a job, a person, a substance, even an emotion - will make the process of mindful awareness more difficult to grasp... It will keep on slipping through the fingers for a time but, eventually, it'll float there - and clarity will appear.. and space will develop for feelings you can trust and come to rely upon, as the white noise dissipates and intution is allowed to grow. For me, I believe my intuition's development arrested in childhood and was brought back to life in October 2000. It was pretty weak for a long time, much like Bambi on spindly legs for the first few years... but, as the months and years have progressed and my trust in and knowledge of who I am continues to grow and develop, so does my intuitive self. That gives me a rather warm and fuzzy feeling! Vive l'intuition!!