Vanitas Vanitatum... Oh Vanity of Vanities...

I don't quite recall the context I first heard this phrase... I'm pretty sure it wasn't referring to the context it conjures up for me but I did manage to obliterate quite a few good brain cells whilst misusing myself, so can't quite recall. I do firmly believe that addiction is a misuse of self (we often describe it as a misuse of a substance/thing but surely our authentic selves weren't meant to be so badly treated?). My own precious cargo - my self - was mishandled. When they broke the proverbial mold, I reckon someone forgot to add the sticker... "Fragile... This Way Up... Handle With Care".. Certainly, I didn't realise it was there. Instead, I got a bit broken in places and arrived downside-up, I guess.... It's taken me years to try to 'right' myself (after capsize) to upside-down, my natural and authentic state of being.

And so to...Vanity is a rather strange thing which occurs in recovery. I'm using this word not in the sense of 'excessive pride in one's appearance' but merely as pride in one's appearance... and I'm using appearance to include external behaviours exhibited to others. I sometimes have a wry smile to myself when I revisit those paranoid thoughts about my hair not looking good, carrying too much weight, my clothes not being right... the 'What will they think of me?' thoughts... and then I remember... those less than halcien days (and nights) where staggering, unruly behaviour, and a general dishevellment prevailed... a distinct lack of pride in one's own appearance... a distinct lack of care... anger at the world... In fact, more a 'Who cares...!!' (how I look/what they think etc etc) with an appropriate gesture to match, no doubt. But.. what happened? Something switched in my head. Of course, this 'Who cares!' attitude revisits from time-to-time, even in sobriety, and some might argue it's healthy... but I know it's defensive. And when I'm defensive and judging others, I'm scared... simple as that...and I need to do some work. The answer eventually comes... 'I care!'

So... what price vanity? The feminist in me argues that I'm buying into the beauty propaganda (the Beauty Myth, as Naomi Wolf describes it). But the other part of me chooses to live in this society and adhere to some of its cultural norms and I buy into vanity. They reach a compromise - eyebrows plucked, hair dyed and, as I once inadvertently told a pathologist... "I'll be dyeing until I'm dead!" - and body modification is a work in progress, getting tangled up (as I frequently do) on the need to 'lose weight and shape up' treadmill... I tango on. But no FM shoes here, thanks.

Vanity... it damns me if I do... it damns me if I don't. I prefer to regard it as a benchmark... a sliding scale towards that downside-up way of being... If I don't tend to the basics of self-care... bathing, teeth, eyebrows, hair and checking-in with my mood, affirmations, gratitude etc... I know that I could so easily be transported forward to a time when it wouldn't matter to me how I looked on the outside, as private becomes public and the consequences of those crazy thoughts are on full view to all who care to glance pitifully or disdainfully in my general direction. And so, for me, vanity takes on a new meaning in recovery - but when it becomes obsessive, we're moving into narcissistic territory. I've never been 'in love' with my reflection, although it has become a rather good friend... at last.

A wry smile appears again with the self-knowledge that my version of vanity is based on 'as good as it gets'. I recall a hairdresser once taking pity on me when I told him I was inept at using hair technology... I received a phone call some time after the appointment, inviting me to a training session on 'straiteners for beginners'. It's a shame I was unable to attend. My life could have turned out so differently... but I seem to recall I was pretty busy that day... washing my hair. Ho-hum.

Moving away from me....

As I prepare myself for what is likely to be my final house move for a good number of years, I reflect on those that have gone before.... I can look back at the crazy years of addiction, chaos, bad-choice (read 'codependent') relationships and see how clearly that's linked with my 'doing the geographicals'. Anyone who's familiar with AA will know what I'm referring to. If not, let me elucidate further :) This is a state of mind wherein the addict believes that making a 'geographical' change will move her away from her addictive behaviour - ie she can leave it all behind in the area - or even property - she was vacating. Crazy as that sounds, that's what I've unconsciously done for most - if not all - of my adult life and have moved around so many times, I've lost count. Not only is it financially and physically expensive, it's spiritually expensive.

Running away from oneself - one's demons - just doesn't work. I took me with me... and there's no escaping that. So the only way to get over this pain (this fear) - this spiritual expense - was through it... Instead of looking away, I decided I wouldn't blink this time and I stared it out... a step at a time. By quitting alcohol and addictive relationships, clarity emerged... From clarity came focus... From focus came strength and courage.

This commitment to a property is symbolic...I now feel ready to make a major commitment to myself.. and, this time, I'm more than happy to take me with me :)

Mary Poppins has a lot to answer for....!

I have a list of things to write about.. stories to tell...tips to offer... Yet I've found myself shrouded in foggy thinking and have been trying to figure out the cause. Fortunately, deep-sea diving into those mirky waters within has offered me yet another solution to reconfigure my internal jigsaw.

I have this theory that my mind is a jigsaw... It started life as 4 basic pieces (like the first jigsaw a child might play with) and, as life grew more complex, each piece divided into smaller and smaller pieces to reflect life experience, beliefs arising from this, expectations from family/wider society and, of course, self.

Somewhere along the way, the odd piece didn't fit right with the whole picture - it was out of place and, no matter how and where my mind tried to place it, it still didn't fit. Each of these 'odd' pieces, I believe, are the bits which are not part of my authentic self. My authentic self is whole, healthy and is a comfortable fit, as it's aligned with my values. Whenever foggy thinking occurs, I believe it's time for another piece to be revealed.

And so... another dark piece has been uncovered. Thankfully, I was ready to look at it. My dependency - yes, it's a strong word - on sweet food. As a child, my mother's delicious home-baking helped remove the bitter taste of difficult emotions and, as someone who's had to learn how to mature emotionally in sobriety, it occurs to me that I've been continuing to use sugar to dumb down and help me swallow some of the difficult stuff. Mary Poppins has a lot to answer for :) Actually, I must take responsibility for this. I have many techniques and tools to help me deal with the hard stuff... Yet I'd forgotten to take my own advice. Look within. Thankfully, a powerful session with my coach helped me do just that and uncover some rather strange notions attached to sugar.

If each of us has our own unique jigsaw puzzle... are there any parts of you which don't seem to fit with who you really are or who you really know you can be? What step might you take today to bring your self into balance and restore the natural, authentic jigsaw puzzle that is you...? Be gentle with yourself... compassion offers the space for health and well-being to grow exponentially. That's my message for myself today :)

When recycling really isn't environmentally-friendly...

I found myself in a rather full-on codependent crazy mode for a few days, a couple of weeks ago, which rather took me by surprise. After many years in recovery from addiction and self-development work, I still find that being around certain individuals can bring out the codependent beast in me and I begin to recycle the rubbish of years gone by, wallowing in past miseries, holding on to resentments long overdue for return to my sacred space of health and wellbeing...and, consequently, feeling rather down on myself.

Last week, thankfully, I checked in to my sacred space and, much to my amazement, I had to acknowledge a few other nasties which had been lurking (unseen) in the Swampland part of my mind.

Swampland is my term of endearment for that dark place where garbage festers... where self-worth and self-esteem float about in stagnant water with negative self-talk, guilt and angst... seemingly unable to swim into fresh, clear and free-flowing thinking, as they remain locked in the past. Anger, resentment, self-pity and fear creep around in the swamp, only able to survive because I permit them to do so. Groundhog Day, indeed.

So how did my thinking move from muddy to clear...? How did I manage to break free from the shackles of codependency revisited? I consulted Melody Beattie's work, I kick-started my self-care rituals, I used affirmations... and I kept good company!

Tending to our own psychological environment is every bit as important as looking after the natural world. When you're throwing out the garbage at home, perhaps consider if there's anything festering in your own Swampland that you might be able to dispose of in your sacred space of health and well-being... These reminders are never useless... this kind of learning makes great compost!

Invest and Digest....

I was thinking back to days of yore when the idea of investing seemed crazy to me. I'm not referring to buying stocks and shares but instead, investing in myself - my own personal development, self-care, self-esteem and self-belief. When we believe we're not worthy of such an investment, that others are more important and that our role on this earth is to make others happy, that's when we enter into the danger zone... The only person who has the power to make me happy is... me! Of course I can be happy in another's company, be happy with my job, family, life etc but ultimately it's my reaction to what's around me that determines my capacity for happiness. If we're not happy, that's when the mind is signalling, just as the body does with physical pain, that there's something we need to take a look at... a need or value of ours that isn't being met.

For me, investing in my own personal development - trying out different courses, attending workshops, having coaching sessions - is what has advanced my emotional progress. My emotionally arrested development began to move forward each time I took a step in the direction of overcoming fear and challenging long-held beliefs.

Receiving recovery coaching has been as rewarding for me as therapy was some years ago but in a different way... It has allowed me to shine a light on dark and dank places, giving me time to begin to understand where old behaviours might have been obscuring my vision of the present. The focus on the 'here and now', with an understanding of the 'then and there', enables us to glance at the past through a different lens, knowing that our focus has changed to 'living today' and not yesterday. As we make the decision to invest in ourselves, we begin a new journey to a brighter, more uplifting future.

Initially, we might find ourselves looking back with anger, regret or frustration at who we were yesterday but, as we learn compassion for ourselves, these negative emotions and feelings make room for calm, serenity and, very often, sheer joy.

Time to digest is crucial and, although sessions are usually undertaken weekly, it can be a few weeks or even months before we are ready to move into action, as we need to fully process what we uncover about ourselves. But that's ok... as long as we remember to be kind to ourselves during the process.

Investing in ourselves could include time for self, spending money on personal development, self-nurturing.. but crucially it involves a willingness for something better for ourselves... a willingness to invest and commit time, effort and money, as we have so easily for others in the past... Are you ready to begin this journey... to invest and digest?

Treading Water...

I'm experiencing one of those frustrating times when one just has to wait.... and wait... and wait... The information I'm waiting for is beyond my grasp and will determine the rest of the year for me... but I must wait a while longer. To date, I've waited 6 months for this information and each day becomes longer as the wait continues....

This put me in mind of a lecture I attended a couple of years ago at Samye Ling Tibetan Buddhist Centre. Rob Nairn, a wonderful teacher, was talking of restlessness - the kind which comes upon us when we no longer feel in control.... the kind which leads to road rage when we're stuck in traffic. Thankfully, I've not experienced road rage. Perhaps I remember his words.... When we're stuck in a situation like this and it's beyond our control, we can choose to accept it or resist... and, in this case, resistance really is futile. When we move into acceptance... a sigh, a shrug, a physical shaking-off tension... and give ourselves permission to relax... to watch the 'What if...' disaster movie playing over in our mind's eye dispassionately and just to let it go... 'What if I don't make it to the airport?' "Ok... so I can spend the next 30 minutes becoming more agitated or I can just resign myself to taking another flight... If I make it, great! If I don't, I'm now focusing my energy on creating Plan B!".

Allowing my intution to guide me through this waiting room, with shells of 'What ifs?' exploding around me when impatience shows up, allows me to shine awareness on the facts and to cut the fictional disaster movie. I continue to wait, with patience mostly, knowing in my heart that the time will be right when the Universe decides... and not when I do!

Shame on me?

I've been writing about my recovery coach training today and was reminded of one of the ways in which it has deeply affected me. Over the course of the year, I gradually let go of the last remnants of shame which were attached to thoughts of my old way of life - living with an active addiction... or two. Shame seems almost inherent in the recovery process - and in the addictive cycle also. I'd like to be clear here. I'm not referring to situations where a person has been attacked or violated and shame has manifested as a consequence of this trauma.

I'm referring to the overwhelming feeling of shame which follows an excruciating realisation of inappropriate actions, behaviours, words and even feelings which can be enough to propel the individual back into the addictive not-so-merry-go-round and keep him/her there in Groundhog Day for months, if not years [or, indeed, decades], with feeble grasps at recovery here and there until, one day, the shame can be faced.. and the truth [and pain] exorcised and, if one is fortunate enough, accepted. I don't mean this in terms of external validation but rather self-acceptance.

Of course it's important to be accepted by those important to us but accepting our own faults and mistakes, taking the learning from these situations and using them to help us understand today's difficulties can help to set us free from the bonds of shame, self-loathing and misery which keep us in 'lower self' thinking and do not permit us the freedom to reach the loftier heights of healthy self-esteem, self-confidence, calmness and self-belief.

After all, as a great man once told me... 'That's why they put rubbers on the end of pencils... because we ALL make mistakes!". Shame on me? Not any more...