6 February 2010

Song remains the same....

Many moons ago, I used to participate in what I now fondly think of as 'rubber ball' relationships. No matter how unhealthily a partner or friend behaved, I'd go bouncing back for more of the same. There was always this pervasive idea that 'things would be different this time'. I'd try harder... if only they wouldn't do.... if only I could find that 'off' switch that would miraculously disappear these overwhelming feelings... If only I could accept loss and rejection...

But there was the small child inside of me which hadn't accepted loss or rejection as a part of life - a part which was beyond her control and which wasn't her fault. This was the part that needed to be nurtured - not by a partner or by a friend - but by me. Consequently, the girl with the rubber ball bounced backward and forward, always hoping for the fairy-tale ending I've earlier described. The thing was... I had no idea that I was the one who was in control of my feelings... that I was the one who could meet my own needs...

It was not until I visited someone [what now seems a lifetime ago] whom, I believe, was a Sage... a wise person indeed.. who allowed me to realise that my feelings had become dependent on another's happiness - or otherwise. They'd ebbed and flowed, to'd and fro'd, and seemed as if they were beyond my control. The unasked question of my then-partner could have been: "How am I going to feel today?". This reminds me of an old psychologist's joke: As one behavioural psychologist said to another... 'It was great for you... How was it for me?' and that's how life is when one hands over the reins of one's life to another person... as long as it was great for you, it should automatically be great for me. Right? Hmm...

The Sage asked if I were in the process of 'trying again' - returning to an unhealthy relationship, hoping that things would be - yes, you guessed it - different this time. Of course, I was. I was asked to consider a book I'd read with an ending I didn't like much. If I were to reread the book, no matter how hard I tried or how much I hoped for a different set of events to unfold, would the story change? Nope. And neither would the ending. Having tested this theory on more than one occasion over many years, I know this to be a truism. It took me many painful years and much soul-searching to discover this. My default setting had to be changed. My behavioural patterns had to change. Changing horses in mid-stream isn't an easy task - but I was determined to hold the reins this time and now I feel happier, emotionally healthier and more fulfilled than at any other time of my life. Taking responsibility for our own feelings and needs is pretty tough for those of us who've had confused and confusing childhoods. Growing up emotionally can start at any age and the process of recovery and adjustment takes time...

As Marshall D Rosenberg et al so eloquently sum this up: "When we blame others, we give up the power to change ourselves." And so it must follow... When we take responsibility for our own needs and actions, we tap into the power we have within to change ourselves... and our true selves begin to emerge...at last!